Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
