does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
