Your face is a jimmy john
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It all started with a game of naked twister.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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