U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
