I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
