Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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