dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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