if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
