ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
