id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
the liver wants what the liver wants
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
