I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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