god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
