xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
