im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
