I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
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She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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