I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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