Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
