You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
