im about as happy as oj after his trial
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
