Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
