My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We're too hungover to prance.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
