Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
