I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
