God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
