I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
