dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
