My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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