is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
