I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
