two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
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Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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