When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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