I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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