I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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