Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
