The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
