im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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