Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
