I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
