She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize