I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
