Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
