If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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