my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
