I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
