Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
