is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
