My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
