Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
