wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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