so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
