My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
