i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize