During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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