I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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