Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You're breaking my sexual little heart
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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