Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
