what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
