Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
