not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
